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ELON WALKS ONTO STAGE WITH A PERMANENT HALF-SMIRK ON

-I’m pl-pleased to introduce the new Tesla Model H.

MODEL H DRIVES ONTO THE STAGE. APPLAUSE

-With our partnership with Boston Electronics, we developed the patented Quad-Pedal movement system that has all the benefits and none of the disadvantages of traditional car tires.

-The most ad-advanced self-driving capabilities with revolutionary AI, p-powered by our Organic Neural Network technology.

-Nanosecond-precision intuitive tactile controls: steer in the d-direction you want to go, and add a light kick to go faster. Prototype Alexa voice controls are also available.

THE CUTTING EDGE INNOVATION CAN ALMOST BE SMELLED IN THE AIR. OR IS IT THE SMELL OF MANURE?

-Super minimalistic, open-ended interior wi-with a 360-degree view screen. Infinite (that’s right, infinite) frames-per-second graphics, and complete surround world simulation ensure your senses are fully aware of external stimuli.

-It is also the smallest form factor Tesla we have created so far. Only a few feet wide. Some of you may be-be concerned about safety. Let’s demonstrate how it holds up in a crash test.

LIVE FEED IS SHOWN OF MODEL H WITH A TEST DUMMY CRASHING INTO WALL AND EXPLODING. RED LIQUID SPLATTERS ON CAMERA, CROWD GASPS

-Ehm, we are working hard to get AAA security rating.

FEED ABRUBPTLY TURNS OFF

-T-Tesla H is th-the most clean and energy efficient vehicle on the market. It can recharge at our Super Hay Stations, repurposed from obsolete farm facilities all over the country.

-Tesla uses Hay, our newest revolutionary energy form, which produces as much greenhouse gas as an animal :)

AUDIENCE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING

-Despite having a single horsepower, max speeds can reach upwards of 30 mph. And the battery capacity allows you to go a full day without ch-charging.

ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER GOES WOO-HOO

-We brought the best Russian hackers back from Guantanamo Bay to bring you hands-down the m-most secure car ever. Because it has a completely self-reliant, isolated computer onboard, malicious actors trying to connect to your Tesla H would have no way of stealing it, other than physically transporting it away. NERVOUS LAUGH

-What’s more, Tesla H is so advanced that it does not need updates. In fact, its Organic Neural Networks allow it to learn your driving patterns and c-commands over time.

-The pricing will start at the low price of $5000, with Leather Saddle option available for an extra $500.

-Thank you.

STANDING OVATION AS ELON WALKS AWAY

…

SUDDENLY, A SMALLER, ORANGE, BLACK-SPOTTED TESLA COMES OUT OF NOWHERE, ELON RUNS BACK ON STAGE

-I was kidding, there’s m-more. I’d also like to present our brand-new Tesla Model CH.

BURST OF OVATION, CAMERA FLASHES, PEOPLE ARE SEEN CRYING OF JOY

-Seventy. Five. Miles. Per. Hour.

EVERYBODY STARTS MAKING OUT, PRAYING AND SCREAMING ALL AT ONCE. A HALO APPEARS OVER ELON’S HEAD AS HE DROPS IMAGINARY MIC. HE GETS ON THE MODEL CH AND DRIVES AWAY INTO THE SAVANNA